Vampire Porn

I’ve noticed a certain prevalence of vampires in television programmes and films of late, and am suitably troubled by it.

What happened? Was there a secret meeting, a few years ago, in which the powers that be decided the vampire was to be the new heartthrob?

Was the conversation like this?

Dave: “We need a new heartthrob, one that’ll get the adolescent girls screaming…We can make loads of money selling merchandise and that. Get ourselves all rich. What do you think?”

Steve: “How about vampires? You know, like Dracula, but sparklier.”

Dave: “Fantastic. I’ll employ a crap author to write some books, get the ball rolling.”

Steve: “Good. Pub?”

“Pub.”

Clearly Dave and Steve needed to spend more time examining the options. Why not a gladiator, a soldier or maybe a man with a boat? Why Dave? A vampire is not something which should be marketed as the new pornography for teenage girls.

Vampires are famed for sucking the blood of living or dead creatures, which isn’t something I’d think of as conventionally attractive. If a man told me he’d like to rip into my neck and suck all the blood out I’d almost certainly run away.

Stephanie Meyer has, however, decided that this is an attractive prospect and written a book about it which is shit for two reasons.

Firstly it is just shit. Have you read it? Shit.

Secondly I believe it sends a strange message to the impressionable young minds reading this drivel. In the series a cretin named Bella falls in love with Edward Cullen the ‘vegetarian vampire’ and conducts a relationship with him, knowing full well he could turn on her at any moment and rip her head off. Oh danger I hear you cry, that’s sexy!

It isn’t sexy, it’s weird. Girls should not be encouraged to go out with men who may or may not kill them at any given moment.

The cover of the actual book.

Here are some other reasons why I don’t want to stick posters of vampires on my wall, go out with vampires or turn myself into a vampire in order to live out my days in vampy bliss with my vampire boyfriend:

  1. They are dead.
  2. They don’t go outside.
  3. They wouldn’t take you out to dinner.
  4. They don’t appear to have much of a sense of humour.
  5. They’d be bad providers. No one in twilight has a job. I don’t want to be poor.
  6. They’re paedophiles. Edward Cullen is about 300 years old. Bella is 16. Ew.
  7. They’re not real.
  8. They sparkle in sunlight, like beautiful fairy princesses
  9. They have icy cold skin, because of being DEAD.
  10. THEY MIGHT KILL YOU.

This peculiar girl watching the twilight trailer, however, is a must-see. She appears to want to be the apple. It’s lovely. 


From Alexandra

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4 thoughts on “Vampire Porn”

  1. I heartily agree with all of the aforementioned – but True Blood rocks – I like to see a bloodsucker primping his highlights – oh and I am not afraid to say that I watch it for rather simplistic and base reasons – The Skarsgard – surely you cannot escape this luscious morsel of filth candy xx

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