Jamie Oliver’s 30 Minute Lies.

Jamie Oliver is a nutcase. He has proved this over the years with his harem of odd cookery programmes. He likes to be down with the kids. He’s doing cookery, but making it really very cool.


He began by referring to himself as ‘the naked chef’. He wasn’t naked. He was just a normal chef. Should’ve just been called ‘the chef’.
Shortly after this he appears to have had some sort of epiphany in which he decided to tackle the problem of obesity single handedly. In order to conquer this great feat he came up with an excellent plan…


He would feed schoolchildren pasta instead of chips. He did this in America too, which was called ‘Jamie’s American Food Revolution’. Here though the focus was exclusively on stir-frys. That’s all he cooked. I’ve watched four episodes. I’ve not seen any other food.


At what point did he morph into a revolutionary anyway? Because time I checked he was only cooking the fucking dinner.


Inspirational, isn’t it…



THEN.. in what I see as an unmistakable insult to my intelligence, he introduced Jamie Oliver’s 30 Minute Lies. This is a programme in which a professional chef will show you that in thirty minutes he can chop up stuff really very quickly and make lots of different foods all at the same time, whilst stopping occasionally to patronise the shit out of you.


“Caramel is very hot.. don’t stick your fingers in it. It’ll burn you. I know you want to, you greedy ignoramus, but you must wait,” says Jamie the puffy-faced liar man, before informing us that knives are sharp and one must not run with scissors.


Why is he pretending it takes half an hour to cook a three course meal?


Has Jamie even thought about the time it takes to clean caramel off a saucepan? No. He has not. This is not involved in the time limit.


Jamie’s latest gift to TV should be called ‘Half an hour of patronising bullshit in which Jamie Oliver will show you that you could, if you had eighteen arms and nine legs, possibly, make a three course meal in half an hour, but then it’ll take you three hours to clean up the crime scene left in your wake so really the half hour business is somewhat irrelevant, unless you’re doing it in someone else’s house or were just going to move out straight afterwards.’


Jamie’s not human anyway. Have you seen that sainsbury’s advert where he demonstrates that a sausage is delicious by eating it straight off the fire? Why doesn’t it scald him horribly? Suspicious.



From Alexandra


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