The London Cyclist

And so another week of commuting has passed, and with it my daily rage has grown to unprecedented levels. This is mostly because of a different breed of commuter, though.

Please allow me to introduce The London Cyclist. 

You may wonder how a cyclist can cause such me such unfathomable rage – but if you are wondering this you have clearly not yet met The London Cyclist – If you have I expect you will know exactly what I am talking about.

The London Cyclist is an odd breed. It’s odd for these reasons:

Reason 1: It gets about using wheels instead of feet. Strange.

Reason 2: It’s incapable of rational thought. Truly it is.

Reason 3: It’s blind.

I commute to Westminster which is teaming with these cyclist creatures. They pootle along, with the cars. Sometimes, because of the traffic, the cyclists move faster than the cars which I think gives them some kind of overly inflated sense of self-worth.

Then, every so often, one will (for no reason at all) attempt to murder you.

Almost every day I am confronted with one of these savage wheeled machines. They will be rolling along, as they do, looking innocent before CRASH – They STRIKE.

Usually – at a zebra crossing – a person such as I will attempt to cross the road in the desperate hope of reaching the other side in one piece. This is where the danger lies. You see, the cars will stop and allow you to attempt your journey, yet The London Cyclist will see this is a good opportunity to end your days. 

You may think that I am being overly dramatic here – but you’d be wrong. You see, I’ve now been working in London for a month and have narrowly escaped death by cyclist on numerous occasions.

The story is always the same: I’ll be trotting across a zebra crossing, obeying the Highway Code, because I remember all the things I learnt from that nice advert with the hedgehog and the baby hedgehog that I used to like. Cars will stop, even taxis sometimes stop (if you’re lucky) – but The London Cyclist will never stop.

It’s for this reason that I have concluded that the cyclists are both blind and incapable of rational thought. There can be no other explanation for their behaviour.

To be honest I think it’s quite irresponsible of Boris to have encouraged their breeding with his Boris bikes. I may suggest he rethinks the scheme. It would undoubtedly save lives. If he refuses I’ll have to start wearing a helmet to work/shooting them.

 Photo Credit: Bikeworldtravel /

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