The London Underground is home to a number of nutcases. A vast number of nutcases. In fact little people know this, but by law every single tube train must contain at least one loopy traveller.
They’ll be the one standing in the corner swaying, with a vacant yet bemused look in their eyes. They’ll be dressed in khaki, and swinging from their grime-encrusted hands will be Tesco carrier bag. The Tesco bag is the luggage of choice for the criminally insane.
The peculiar passenger will spend much of their time desperately trying to obtain eye-contact with an unsuspecting fellow passenger. If said fellow passenger is unfortunate enough to meet the gaze of carrier-bag wielding maniac they’re likely to be subjected to a long speech, which is generally delivered in varying volumes according to how important nutcase determines each word to be.
Token nutcase resides in one carriage only, it does not journey throughout the train. So if you pick one of the ones without said nutter you have indeed won. Ten points to Gryffindor.
But one question remains…
Are the nutcases are travelling, or do they simply reside on tube trains hoping for good chats with strangers? Where are they going? Do they have days out? Should they not be supervised? I would ask one, but I am afraid.
Perhaps it is their love of public transport that has driven them to insanity. It’s plausible. I’ll admit sometimes the thought of squishing myself into a metal tube train packed full of sweating bodies (+ one nutcase) after a hard day of working fills my mind with chaos. Could it be that this is the end result of a lifetime of commuting?
This morning’s sighting was possibly the finest yet. I was stood at the platform of Liverpool Street Station, patiently awaiting the arrival of the elusive Circle Line when I heard some shouting from the other side. Goodness, thought I… What drama is occurring here?
All soon became clear as I noticed where the sounds were originating from. ‘Twere the token nutcase of the day! And he had left his tube carriage of choice in order to preach to the waiting crowds! A fine show indeed.
Nutcase of the day then spent the next ten minutes or so weaving between crowds of tired and angry commuters, screeching his wise words, whilst getting uncomfortably close to the faces of the luckiest few.
Today’s mad message contained a number of inciteful proverbs, interspersed with slightly offensive anecdotes and assertions.
Nutcase offered the following nuggets of wisdom:
- “Society has lost God” – Sound religious complaint. Often cited by Church folk (I imagine – I don’t really associate with the sort.)
- “We must love one another.” – Fairly sound point, Jesus would probably have agreed.
- “If you’re not careful your children will grow up to be just like you.” WHAT? What’s wrong with me? If my children grow up just like me they’ll be fine specimens indeed. Bloody cheek.