The Voice, UK

It has come to my attention that the good old chaps of the BBC have developed a new television programme in a vain attempt to quell our insatiable desire for hugely dramatic but ultimately inconsequential talent shows.

Those who have been keeping a keen eye on the horizon will know I speak of The Voice UK, which is a desperately serious programme thrust onto our screens last night before (yet slightly overlapping with) our old friend Britain’s Got Talent. The Voice isn’t like BGT though, this one is entirely about singing. Very serious, very important singing.

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The Voice is trying to make the point that it is all about the voice and not about the looks/age/fashion preferences or shininess of hair. This is ironic, as the hopefuls are presumably competing to enter this thing called the ‘music industry’ where success is entirely dependent looks/age/fashion preferences and shininess of hair.

This ‘we’re so above looks, it’s all about the music, yah’ mantra is rubbed in our faces throughout the programme. The brainboxes behind The Voice have developed a sort of musical chair type system in which hopefuls perform a ditty for the audience whilst the judges (very rudely) sit with their backs to the performer. If the ditty is up to scratch the judges will hit a button which sends their chair spinning round in a dramatic and quite frankly, showstopping fashion. The judges will then attempt to win the performer for their ‘team’, whilst trying not to look disappointed by their appearance.

At this point the judges proceed to squabble over the auditionee like schoolgirls, whilst auditionee gazes awkwardly towards the four judges before apparently picking one at random to champion their cause. These debating sessions last an awfully long time, although I suppose this is good if you want to make a cup of tea, use the bathroom or hang yourself.

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The famous folk spend a disproportionate amount of time pretending they care about the little songbirds, because you know, they’ve been there, and they know what it’s like to be, like, so consumed by the music. They do this under the pretence of trying to ‘win’ the auditionee for their ‘team’. This sort of behaviour always makes me taste bile. Will.i.am does not care about you, young auditionee who recently lost (insert family member/pet here). He just doesn’t. And considering the standard of noise he’s been producing of late I’d be hard pressed to stomach any kind of interest in music from him either.

Presumably the teams will later compete in their mentor’s name in the standard X Factor style, before the commencement of a fierce battle which will end in one of these humans being crowned champion of The Voice UK, before fading into obscurity as they all must. Blah blah blah.

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As the voice is a very serious show which is all about the music and not about emptying your pockets like those despicable criminals of ITV, there is little fun to be had. All competitors of last night’s show could actually sing recognisable songs at a pitch which didn’t upset my dog. There are no mentally impaired people wailing. None at all. This is not what talent shows are about, BBC. Talent shows are for laughing at those less fortunate than yourself, and feeling all the better for it. Sort it out.

Thank goodness, I thought, when I turned over to ITV and was immediately confronted with the sight of obese people performing ballet dressed entirely in lycra. Thank goodness.

Don’t believe The Voice is as shit as I say it is? Catch up here.

From Alexandra

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