Secret Eaters

Secret Eaters is the best thing to happen to British television since that bit in You Are What You Eat where the wizened old pretend doctor called Gillian used to confront fat people with grossly enlarged versions of their favourite pastry snacks.

It is a programme in which we meet two overweight people who can’t understand why they’re overweight. These people are called idiots. During the introduction the people get emotional as they describe their ‘constant battle’ with the bulge.

They have tried dieting, it doesn’t work. They can’t understand why they can’t lose weight. They eat less than they’re supposed to eat. It is all such a mystery. They are desperate for answers…so they have called in the good people of Channel 4 and begged for humiliation.

Presenter lady enjoys a burger

Channel 4, generous souls that they are, kindly agreed and allowed the chubby morons to star in a show they have entitled ‘Secret Eaters’. Such a title suggests Channel 4 didn’t really believe the chubbies from the start. They knew they were lying. And now, for the good of the fat people and not at all for our own morbid amusement, Channel 4 are going to prove exactly how much food these people eat, and thus why they are larger than they were designed to be.

Channel 4 has found the answer. The chubbies are eating in deep dark caverns, in alleyways, under the stairs. They claim theonly eat 1300 calories a day. Look at them! Do they fuck.

This lady is famished

Homeland: The Obesity Edition          

After the emotional ‘why am I not thin…I just want to be thin…Oh please won’t someone let me be thin’ bit, comes yet more cutting edge television. This part shall be forever named, Homeland: The Obesity Edition.

Channel 4 rigs up the chubbies’ houses with countless video cameras, and tells them they’ll be monitored 24 hours a day for the next week. The suave people of 4 predicted a flaw in their flawless plan, however, as they cleverly realised people eat when outside of the home too. For this reason they hired two pretend private investigators to stalk the chubbies and record their every mouthful. Creepy.

At the end of the show the chubbies are confronted with their actual food intake for the week. This big pile of food is arranged on tables, under spotlights. The chubbies are then interrogated amongst their favourite snacks, and begin to look appalled and horrified by the food. They seem to hate the food, whereas before they had loved the food. They are having an epiphany. All is becoming clear.

Presenter lady compares their actual food intake to their food diaries. It is found that chubbies have drastically underestimated their calorie consumption, which is also called lying.

At the end we learn that this is why they are fat. Because they eat too much.

Channel 4, you spoil us.

From Alexandra


3 thoughts on “Secret Eaters”

  1. groundbreaking stuff, I daresay that one could start a complete industry geared around helping these folk get smaller !

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