Majesty Has Party, BBC Goes Nuts

The Diamond Jubilee’s over with. Done. Finished. End of. Apparently we won’t see another in our lifetimes. The BBC keep saying this. They are trying to make us all sad and melancholy. Now the Jubilee has happened, is there any point in going on? That is what they are asking. Who are the BBC anyway, to be so presumptuous about my lifespan?

It’s like when something obscure happens in space and astronomers keep banging on about how it won’t happen again for another 10,000 years. No one was waiting for this to happen. We shan’t miss it. It isn’t like Christmas has been cancelled.

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Last weekend the Queen had a party, and invited posh folk and those with a lot of cash to celebrate. They went on a booze cruise down the Thames, and the great unwashed were encouraged to watch from the riverbanks, waving flags and shouting terms of endearment to the strangers on boats. All very odd. BBC filmed the lot whilst commentating on mundane things such as colour of a person’s shoes, fact that boats were travelling forwards and, in between, fact that people had flags.

Throughout their coverage the BBC made much of the lie that people were all joining together, having lovely times at street parties and behaving in a fashion only seen before in films, old photographs and history books (which are probably made up). This is not true, and shall be discounted as the propaganda that it is. I attempted to see the river pageant from Lambeth and can report that all were typically British and thus miserable and complaining throughout. There were even Americans present in the crowd who were screeching in the way that they do. This only compounded dissatisfaction. They didn’t even bring flags.

Next it began to rain, and goodness did BBC have a good time. The BBC reacted in the only way it could, by stating this rubbish: “the rain didn’t dampen their spirits” more times than had been assumed humanly possible.

The rain certainly dampened my bloody spirits.

On the following day Queenie had a concert. She invited a small sample of great unwashed to stand beneath her and see a compilation of songs you’d rather forget from artists who we had forgotten. These people need to remain in our memories of the 90s and not be dragged out for obscure royal shindigs. Cliff Richard? Really?

The day after doesn’t even warrant a mention. She just went to church and drove around London. Despite this people flocked to catch a glimpse of her as she trundled by. She then feigned excitement about a flypast that she’s seen every year since the dawn of time. It’s all lies. She probably doesn’t even like planes.

And the worst bit? Today I was forced to buy Jubilee memorabilia against my will. I needed Marmite. What did I find? They’ve renamed Marmite ‘Ma’amite’. Now I can’t even enjoy toast without slathering essence of royal occasion all over it.



Buckingham Palace Photo Credit: hipproductions /


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