There is only one good Christmas song. It’s called Fairytale of New York. The Pogues sing it, with their grumbly friend Kirsty McColl. And they sing it well, with all the enthusiasm of two people who can’t stand Christmas and the lies, treason and crap gifts it promotes.
The rest, without exception, are shit.
I’ll begin, if I may, with a ditty entitled ‘Last Christmas’. In this song a melancholy chap is denouncing his significant other for casually throwing his heart into a ditch the year before. It quickly becomes clear why she had to bin his love, though, because it appears he’s a COMPLETE PSYCHOPATH.
“I wrapped it up and sent it / With a note saying “I love you” / I meant it.”
Wrapped up what? His HEART? HORRIBLE.
‘Wonderful Christmas Time’ is perhaps the second worst Christmas song of all time. This tuneless barrage of noise is the spawn of Paul McCartney, which says it all really. Once you get it into your head it’ll never fucking leave. It just keeps spinning around in there, whirring away at your innocent braincells until you give up on life and start bashing yourself over the skull with an axe, screaming incoherently.
As if Christmas itself wasn’t bad enough, some see the season as a valid excuse to play actual Cliff Richard songs out loud. An absolute terror of a thing. Did you see the word ‘songs’ there? It means there’s more than one. And if the fact that more than one Cliff Richard Christmas song exists wasn’t enough in itself to have you vomiting all over your shoes, take a look at Cliff’s svelte face. What is it made of? Play-doh? Lets light him, like a candle.
Of course Christmas is traditionally the time for our annual dose of poverty porn, and each year it’s generously provided by Bob Geldof, who knows Africa. The nightmarish mishmash of badly researched sentences they call ‘Band Aid’ is one of my personal favourite Christmas song disasters, because of one marvellous moment where a random mixture of soulless singers join together in perfect harmony to screech this incredible up-yours to the people of Ethiopia:
“Well tonight thank God it’s them instead of you.”
Yes, thank GOD it’s them.
That’s the spirit of Christmas, right there.