The Christmas Gift Guide

There isn’t a thing on Earth more utterly unhelpful than the fascist nonsense that is the ‘Christmas Gift Guide’.

Like some sort of festive parasite, the ‘Christmas Gift Guide’ thrives on the abject misery all men experience as soon as they begin their Christmas shopping.

It claims it will make the pain go away, solving all their woes with just a few pages of sweeping generalisations about what their nearest and dearest want. Trouble is, it has never even met them. See, look at the crap it has come up with this year…

Child: Plastic artefacts. Noise-makers. PLAY-DOH.

Mother: Tea towel. Slippers in mystifying shade of mauve. COOKING EQUIPMENT.

Father: Something to hold his red wine in. Novelty cheeseboard. TIE.

Man: Robot car. Simpsons beer. Speakers. ANOTHER FUCKING WALLET.

Woman: Bottle of One Direction’s new stink. Bubble bath. Frivolous pretty things for TINY GIRLS’ MINDS.

No! Stop it! We are complicated, us people of the world. Each one of us is unique as a precious snowflake. You don’t know what I want, gift guide. You don’t even know whether I OWN A BATH. You ought to be ASHAMED OF YOURSELF peddling these absolute LIES.

Unless you have suggested diamonds in some form of other, in which case you may continue.

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