Splash! has returned to our screens once more, despite not a single person even half-heartedly hoping for a second season. And as I’m currently sitting at home trying desperately not to drown in the torrents of snot that are pouring forth from my nose I’ve been forced to sit through an entire episode. INCLUDING adverts. (I have a cold, I’m not just a particularly snotty Splash! fan). 


The contestants are made up of a random collection of barely-remembered TV ‘stars’, as is tradition. A bunch of halfwits so desperate to achieve a glimmer of fame that they’ll hurl themselves head first from a diving board, knowing full well that their fall will be cushioned only by the scathing abuse of Twitter’s saturday night trolls.


The contestants subjecting themselves to this bizarre form of self-flagellation this year are:


  1. Gemma Merna


Who? That one in Hollyoaks who was even stupider than the other ones in Hollyoaks.

FACT: Gemma is taking part in Splash despite being TERRIFIED OF WATER. This proves she’s either stupider than first thought or more desperate than first thought. Or needs money to pay big fake-tan bill. We’ll find out soon enough I suppose.


2. Gemma Collins


Who? The fat one from TOWIE.

FACT: Her bosoms were so horribly bruised by the rigorous training regime created by Tom Daley that they turned PURPLE. She still dived though, because apparently her ‘fans’ wanted her to. Their existence remains questionable, but if they are indeed real I’m not sure why they want her to suffer this agonising boob pain.


3. Michaela Strachen


Who? Was on TV during the 90s I think.

FACT: I have nothing interesting to say about her. Nothing.


4. Ricky Groves


Who? Eastenders chump.

FACT: Ricky has admitted he’s yet to try out the highest board. That’s something for us to look forward to then. Oooh goody.


5. Perri Kiely


Who? That small wild-haired child the big boys of Diversity used to throw around.

FACT: Perri is claiming that he’s 18 years old. A lie so ludicrous that it borders on insulting. Look at him, he is nothing but a freshly-born foetus cloaked in hair.


Apparently more diving dunces will join this band of merry nobodies in time, the thoughtful folk of ITV didn’t want to reveal the star-studded line up all at once, lest it blow our tiny little minds.


Splash! is back next saturday, and for all the saturdays after that. All the saturdays in the future of saturdays. FOREVER. ITV’s programming is now completely controlled by Tom Daley’s speedos, you know.


If no one watches it does it still exist?


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