Gogglebox, a programme with the incredibly dull premise of ‘watching other people watch TV’ burst onto our screens at the end of 2013 and proved, against all odds, to be the finest programme ever shown. You see, there’s something bizarrely interesting about watching people who are not you watching something which you watched only days earlier. It’s like INCEPTION.
It’s the watchers, though, that make Gogglebox. So let’s meet them.
Posh, drunk and entirely inappropriate, Steph and Dom represent quite perfectly all the very best things about Great Britain. They run a B&B, and are definitely the most hilarious thing about Gogglebox. They’re usually so pissed that they need to hold hands, lest they tumble off the sofa to their doom.
Posh Steph on Downton:
“I wonder how many windows they’ve got? We’ve got 63.”
Chris and Stephen, the token gays, are positively venomous, so full of hatred and fury are they. Take the bit when Susan Boyle performed, all the other Goggleboxers were overcome with emotion.. but not Chris.
“They’ve done a good job squeezing her into that dress haven’t they,” he muttered over a cup of tea, probably made from the dried out bones of Christmas elves and all the world’s joy.
And here’s what they thought about Homeland:
Chris: We all like a bad boy, don’t we?
Stephen: Yeah, but not a terrorist, Chris.
Whenever The Posh Version of The Token Gays appear all we see is a massive pair of boobs. Why are they there, these gargantuan breasts of a giant? Why are they so much bigger than the gentlemen’s heads? When is this going to be EXPLAINED?
The Michael family come from Brighton, and the mother hasn’t got a clue what’s going on most of the time. The teenage son takes great offence to this, and screams abuse straight into his mother’s face for the duration of their slot. He’s a charmer, this one.
June and Leon are an interesting pair. June is exhibiting the typical signs of those old couples who are married yet quite obviously cannot stand the sight of each other. Leon, however, is a 12 year old boy trapped inside an old man’s body. He’s not capable of such hatred, he’s just a child. He always wants a cracker, but June won’t give him a cracker. This is probably the crux of their problems.
There’s one family who all scream at each other non-stop, and it’s this lot. Must be an absolute picnic living next door to them.
A ruthlessly efficient German father voices his opinions with faultless precision in this family, yet the young emo warrier beside him appears to have no voice with which to tell us about his. All he does is pat his voluminous hair, overcome by the abject misery of teenage life.
Runners-up for most brilliant goggleboxers are Sandy and Sandra, a pair of South London friends who come out with some absolute gems whilst consuming a terrifying amount of take-away food. Also they DRINK FROM POT NOODLES. What?
The Daily Express Readers Clacton’s representatives include a couple and their too old to still be living with them son, George. Whilst watching footage of Prince Harry merrily trekking across the Arctic with a troop of war heroes the mother recited Daily Express Motto “Wouldn’t Diana be PROUD?” in real life, without a hint of sarcasm. She is one of them. The Daily Express readers. They exist.
Whilst we wait for the next season of Gogglebox, let me leave you with this… Gogglebox on the John Lewis advert. You’re welcome.