We all love a good BBC drama. You know the ones, where the mother is always Olivia Colman and the kind-hearted policeman absolutely has to be played by that curly-headed chap whose furrowed brow is explained sooner or later when his make-believe wife cruelly betrays him, usually with his best friend but sometimes with a total stranger. The bitch.
Last night, and the night before that, the nation sat down to the latest BBC offering, The 7.39. This time the subject was LOVE.
LOVE, says the BBC, is a very brilliant thing. But it is also FRAUGHT with danger. Therefore the beeb, being generous and kind and full of good wishes, thought they’d tell us all about love. And this is what we learnt, through the medium of a drama about sex on a train.
1. Do not have sex with strangers on a train
The first, and main lesson, of The 7.39 was the fact that overcrowding on trains can lead to affairs, but this should be avoided if at all possible.
It all seems like a good idea at the beginning, says the BBC, but then you will get pregnant, lose your house, get fired and find yourself whiling away your days on a freezing cold, pebbled beach, gazing off into the distance whilst your wife sticks pins into a little doll shaped like your head.
2. Take good care of your season ticket
If you are going to carry out an affair brazenly in broad daylight, you must heed the advice of point 2 – take good care of your season ticket. Because when your wife does find you nestled into the bosom of a woman who, for some reason, commutes for TWO HOURS EVERY DAY TO WORK IN A GYM, she will rip it in half.
3. Your spouse is probably a stalker
Lesson 3, an important lesson. It is totally normal and acceptable for your spouse to follow you around, like a shady detective, lurking in bushes and watching your every move. Even if you do embark on a two hour train journey, then go to the gym, then go to the park. She’ll still be watching. And that’s fine. Not creepy at all.
4. Personal trainers should be avoided
Thinking that gym instructor looks alright? THINK AGAIN. Personal trainers are nuts, says the BBC. The energy bars have turned their brains to mush. The steroids have made them incapable of logical thought. All they know is the constant thud of house music and the whirring of treadmills. They won’t understand you. They’ll keep trying to marry you all the time, even though you won’t want them to. They’re loons.
5. Guilt can be avoided by buying violins
If, in the midst of your illicit affair, you do begin to feel the first pang of guilt that’s fine. Not a problem at all. Just buy your daughter a violin, advises the BBC, and carry on merrily bonking away.
If you missed The 7.39 (HOW COULD YOU?) you can catch up on BBC’s lovely little iPlayer thing, which is great and always works. Unlike 4oD *cough splutter*.