If you’ve been living under a brick for the past few years you might not have heard of Game of Thrones, but it’s set to make its comeback on Sunday 6th April, so you’ve got a good few months to get up to speed before that happens.
This will be an arduous task which will likely take up all of your time leaving you mentally and physically exhausted, but it will be worthwhile. BELIEVE.
Now the population of this make-believe world of battles and dragons and monsters and swords and FIRE, is, I’m afraid to say, fucking ridiculous. A lot of characters are needed, though, because the writer, a hairy bearded man named George, keeps merrily killing them all off. So you can address your complaints to him.
So let’s meet the characters. (Not all the characters, that’d be madness. Just the good ones.)
Was King. Now dead King.
Was King’s pal. Now headless dead pal.
Mother hen. Wears a lot of fur. Possibly Russian?
Bit of an ass.
Got pushed out of a window and now gets carried around by Shrek.
Usually whining about headless deal King’s pal. Probably hormonal.
Kick-ass killer girl child. Good at swords and seeing the dark.
Bastard child and leader of the exiled snowmen.
Had sex with Jon Snow even though neither of them have showered or brushed their teeth for several months. Probably a bit dirty.
Psychotic. Daddy issues.
A gold-digging bitch.
Called hound, has half a face. Untrustworthy.
Dwarf and all-round good guy. Had some problems with his nose being cut off etc. but bounced back reasonably well.
Carries around his own amputated fingers in a pouch. Fucking weirdo.
Irritating wannabe king who loves a dragon witch and not his wife.
The dragon witch.
Mother of the year.
Fancies Daenerys in a kind of creepy dad like way.
The sort of child who enjoys pulling the legs off a daddy long legs.
His hair is full of secrets.
Luscious long locks. Has appeared in L’Oreal adverts.
Prostitute oft found sexing up Tyrion the dwarf Prince. Bit grim.
Bald-headed eunuch. Looks like a thumb.
Calls herself Mother of Dragons. Your everyday nutcase.
Sexy in a nightmarish type of way. Dead.
If you can’t wait for the trailer you can watch the trailer for the trailer…
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