Game of Thrones Returns: Meet The Characters

If you’ve been living under a brick for the past few years you might not have heard of Game of Thrones, but it’s set to make its comeback on Sunday 6th April, so you’ve got a good few months to get up to speed before that happens.

This will be an arduous task which will likely take up all of your time leaving you mentally and physically exhausted, but it will be worthwhile. BELIEVE.

Now the population of this make-believe world of battles and dragons and monsters and swords and FIRE, is, I’m afraid to say, fucking ridiculous. A lot of characters are needed, though, because the writer, a hairy bearded man named George, keeps merrily killing them all off. So you can address your complaints to him.

So let’s meet the characters. (Not all the characters, that’d be madness. Just the good ones.)

Robert Baratheon
robert-baratheon-1024Was King. Now dead King.

Ned Stark
eddard-ned-stark-1024Was King’s pal. Now headless dead pal.

Catelyn Stark
Catelyn-Stark-catelyn-tully-stark-25370822-1280-720Mother hen. Wears a lot of fur. Possibly Russian?

Robb Stark
Robb_1x01Bit of an ass.

Bran Stark
branGot pushed out of a window and now gets carried around by Shrek.

Sansa Stark
sansa-starkUsually whining about headless deal King’s pal. Probably hormonal.

Arya Stark
Arya-Stark-arya-stark-29831147-1023-575Kick-ass killer girl child. Good at swords and seeing the dark.

Jon Snow
Jon-Snow-jon-snow-29370463-1259-708 Bastard child and leader of the exiled snowmen.

ygritte-1024Had sex with Jon Snow even though neither of them have showered or brushed their teeth for several months. Probably a bit dirty.

Samwell Tarly
Samwell_TarlyFat snowman.

Theon Greyjoy
Theon-Greyjoy-game-of-thrones-20337384-1280-720Psychotic. Daddy issues.

Maergery Tyrell
n5196ec6abdf46A gold-digging bitch.

Sandor Clegane
Sandor_CleganeCalled hound, has half a face. Untrustworthy.

Tyrion Lannister
tyrion-lannisterDwarf and all-round good guy. Had some problems with his nose being cut off etc. but bounced back reasonably well.

Davos Seaworth
davos-seaworth-1024Carries around his own amputated fingers in a pouch. Fucking weirdo.

Stannis Baratheon
stannis-baratheon-1024 Irritating wannabe king who loves a dragon witch and not his wife.

melisandre-1024The dragon witch.

Cersei Lannister
Screen Shot 2014-01-10 at 10.29.01Mother of the year.

Jorah Mormont
jorah-mormont-1024Fancies Daenerys in a kind of creepy dad like way.

Joffrey Baratheon
Joffrey21The sort of child who enjoys pulling the legs off a daddy long legs.

Petyr Baelish
Petyr-baelish-1024 His hair is full of secrets.

Jaime Lannister
jamieLuscious long locks. Has appeared in L’Oreal adverts.

ShaeProstitute oft found sexing up Tyrion the dwarf Prince. Bit grim.

Varys Bald-headed eunuch. Looks like a thumb.

Daenerys Targeryan
ee1801e5eed8 Calls herself Mother of Dragons. Your everyday nutcase.

Khal Drogo
tumblr_static_drogo-e1344188322390Sexy in a nightmarish type of way. Dead.

If you can’t wait for the trailer you can watch the trailer for the trailer

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