A method of transportation so abominable it has been known to spark human rights marches, the Northern Line enables passengers to experience all the emotions one might feel if they had been buried alive – right the way from initial panic to resigned despair (this usually occurs around Bank).
Regard! Its FAILINGS:
1. It’s Hotter Than The Fires of Hell
The line’s principal engineer had just returned from a glorious break in the Maldives when he submitted his initial plans. He thought he’d recreate the delightfully relaxed atmosphere of exotic islands by making the entire Northern Line as hot as a fucking furnace – an effect which has been achieved with great success.
2. It’s Shaped Like a TREE
This is a line of many branches, so even if you DO know what colour you’re supposed to be going for there’s still a good chance you’ll end up on the other side of London. Good luck, brave travellers.
3. It’s Called The Northern Line
Despite confidently proclaiming itself it to be “The Northern Line” it actually doesn’t even travel to the northernmost station because it’s basically ALL IN THE SOUTH. Don’t believe me? Climb aboard and conduct a short survey on your carriage’s passengers. They’ll be rugby playing pricks from Clapham. All of them.
4. It’s Basically Always Broken
The Northern Line’s operators try their best to maintain temperatures capable of frying an egg in every carriage. On the rare occasions that temperatures do drop below scorching the train must be stopped so that more firecrackers can be added. Delays likely.
5. It’s the LOUDEST
6. It’s a Conceited Shit
Recently The Northern Line decided that the morning rush hour was just getting a bit too much for its weary tin-can bod, a problem which it quickly resolved by informing its bewildered passengers that they might as well walk from station to station, because it doesn’t know about them but its bloody knackered and shouldn’t they be doing a bit more walking anyway? The passengers didn’t really agree. They became a little irate, to tell you the truth.