5 Reasons To Hate Cats

I’m not sure why, or how, but a fuzzy-headed feline they call the ‘cat’ appears to have taken over the entire INTERNET lately, and it’s about time someone put a stop to this constant barrage of moggie-based gibberish because the cat isn’t even a NICE thing it’s an absolute BASTARD.

The cat’s miserable, scowling face isn’t funny, or interesting, or something a grown up human should write a bloody book about. This brutal, foul-smelling creature is nowt but a four-legged rodent-killing harbinger of betrayal and dribble and SNEEZES.

People have begun loving cats so much there’s a word for it. They are AILUROPHILES. Seriously. AN ENTIRE WORD JUST FOR LOVING CATS. We need to end this now, while we still can.

Here are some reasons for your consideration:


Cat Cafés

Do you want to sit in some Shoreditch shithole of a Saturday afternoon drinking fair trade tea out of mismatched china cups whilst a stranger’s cat sheds fleas and hair and SHIT all over your lap?

Do you dream of days spent surrounded by an impenetrable cloud of cat-fog, where all you can smell is the dribble of a thousand felines, and the tang of dead rodents, and that funny yet entirely unique smell emitted by those people who wear the glasses without any glass in because they don’t need glasses at all and they’re actually just pricks?

The Purring Thing

I’m sorry but what is that fucking noise they insist on doing in order to tell you they’re pleased? And why do they VIBRATE? Bloody perverts.

The Dead Bodies

Do you want your house to be filled with piles upon piles of tiny dead animals, lovingly killed for you by a monstrous brute that stinks of TUNA?

You’ve loved this thing. You’ve fed it, and washed it, and spent hundreds upon hundreds of pounds on keeping its tiny flesh-eating teeth clean. It has repaid you with a DECAYING FIELD MOUSE. If that’s not a reason to kick it squarely in the head I don’t know what is.

Grumpy Cat

Look at this arrogant wanker. Thinks it’s a bloody celebrity.


The Hate

Cats don’t like people. At all. They can barely be arsed to look at us, never mind express any kind of interest in our wellbeing. Not like dogs. Come home to your dog and it’ll get so excited it’s quite likely to actually piss itself. A cat doesn’t give a toss whether you’re in the country or not. Try calling it. If you’re lucky it’ll give you a non-committal shrug before it prances off next door for dinner, the disloyal little shit.


Do you love cats? Of course you love cats. You’re the internet. Leave me a comment with your reasons, I will try* to understand.

*Can’t promise more than 30% effort.


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