The Glorious Tube Strike of London Town

A tube strike is happening, people!! They said it wouldn’t, they thought it was just an empty threat – but guess what? IT’S REAL.

 

On this grisly Wednesday morning Londoners awoke to unimaginable scenes. The stations were enclosed in iron bars. Buses drove past, slowly, their windows filled with a mangled mess of limbs, spit and hair. A Boris bike trundled past, reluctantly ridden by a disgruntled suit.

 

And in the distance the delighted screeches of the trains could be heard, as they sat around in the depths of Zone 6 in their greying pants, hollering obscenities at this morning’s Jeremy Kyle show.

 

Tube Strike

 

We, the Londoners, were left to wander the streets, whimpering quietly as we attempt to locate a moving bus with enough space for us to lever ourselves on to. We were alone.

 

It is easy to become consumed by the horror of it all – but we mustn’t. You see, the tube strike has also brought wonderful, fantastic things. And this is why it has been brilliant:

 

The Metro Got Told

The Metro has always fancied itself as a proper newspaper. It has illusions about reporting actual information. It even thinks it knows how to use a semi colon. Trouble is, it’s a pile of shit. People only read it because they’re on the tube and they need a bit of paper to hold lest they accidentally make eye contact with a stranger. Today no one wanted the Metro. Today it saw itself for what it truly is, naught but a little printed shield full of fairytales.

The Unloved Metros
The Unloved Metros

 

The Complaints of The People

There is nothing a Londoner likes more than a spot of complaining, and they gain particular satisfaction when such whinging can be conducted in the pouring rain. Today these two fantastic situations collided, and the people groaned and grumbled as the heavens opened all over their little hairy heads! Imagine the thrill they experienced! They absolutely loved it!

A chorus of dissatisfaction at Earl's Court
A chorus of dissatisfaction at Earl’s Court

 

The Delight of The Buses

Our glorious London buses have never known such popularity. Today they are achieving unprecedented levels of attention from all sorts of London peoples. They’ve even had POSH people on board today, Barbour jackets have touched their seats! The buses are overwhelmed by it all. It’s like Bus Valentine’s Day, and Bus Christmas and all their Bus Birthdays have come at once! They are smiling with their windscreen wipers, look closely, you’ll see.

 

 

The Northern Line Redeemed Itself 

The people of London cannot abide the Northern Line. In fact tension has been growing for some time now, and I had begun to fear that an uprising may be on the cards. Today, though, the usually reluctant Northern Line rose to the occasion, proclaiming itself to be open throughout the strike, with trains running every FIVE minutes. Londoners have forgiven its past sins, and all shall leave in peace and harmony, for now.

 

May The Odds Be Ever in Your Favour
May The Odds Be Ever in Your Favour

 

The Beautiful Queues 

What do we get when there are no tubes? QUEUES! So many beautiful queues. People are queuing for buses, and bikes, some people are even queuing at stations that aren’t actually open. It’s a delight to behold, so many Great British queues – everywhere you look! We are filled with patriotism. Today our Queen is proud of us.

 

 

Boats

Did you know TFL has BOATS? They do! You can travel on them today, they are not on strike. You could do a spot of fishing on your way too. Praise be to BOATS.

 

Remember everyone, it is not a tube strike. It is a 'special service'.
Remember everyone, it is not a tube strike. It is a ‘special service’.
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