There’s a bit of a hoo-har going on about the Winter Olympics currently, because it seems the powers that be have decided to host it in a sort of James Bond style danger-land, complete with bloodthirsty gangs straight out of Hostel and actual terrorist attacks.
It’s easy to see why the Winter Olympics is being held in this petrifying freezer of doom, though, because if it wasn’t we probably wouldn’t have noticed it happening at all.
You see, the real Olympics is a lovely thing full of patriotism and people biting medals and giant flaming torches made of GLORY. It’s fantastic. We build stadiums especially for it, and carve Jess Ennis’s enormous face into fields, and stick massive Olympic rings onto landmarks for no reason at all. When the Olympics came to London town the people were so enthused by it all they began smiling at each other. There were reports of strangers speaking on tube trains. People even pretended to like Emile Sande, so overcome with Olympic emotion were they!
The Winter Olympics, on the other hand, is nothing to us. You’d be lucky if you could find a single soul who’d actually heard of this magical tournament for snow fairies, let alone someone willing to invest precious moments of their life watching it.
Do you know there’s a sport at the so-called ‘Winter Olympics’ which simply involves lying on a sledge at the top of a frozen water slide and then… letting go? Please. This is not a sport.
Even the Olympic Funding Folk know the Winter Olympics isn’t real. UK Sport refuses to pay for British athletes to go out there and slide about. They have to do the fundraising themselves. Which they’ve got plenty of time to do, what with their sports being entirely made-up nonsense-tripe where lying on the bathroom floor after a heavy-night out could legitimately pass as a training session.
The 2010 edition of ‘Winter Olympics’ happened in Canada, and not a single fuck was given. This time things had to change. That’s why 2014’s international Dancing On Ice simply had to take place in a town so terrifying you wouldn’t send your dog to it. Sochi was the answer – and already the horror of this miserable town has granted it its own Dispatches episode. A triumph indeed.
N.B. The fact that choosing Sochi would ensure journalists had to stay in squalid hotels like these was probably just an added bonus.