The Beeb recently shocked and astounded the entire world by announcing that it’s pulling the plug on extra channel BBC3, and slashing its budget IN HALF. It’s going to be online only from next year. Only people with access to some Harry Potter shit called the INTERNET will have any hope of laying their eyes on it again. The horror!
The good people of this green and pleasant land have been up in arms about this, of course. The Radio Times was almost entirely overcome by misery. But we need not panic, because taking a big old pickaxe to the face of BBC3 is fine, actually.
I’ll give you 5 very good reasons why.
BBC3 can be held entirely responsible for James Corden, a puffy-faced pseudo-comic who is, at the time of writing, yet to make a single person laugh. Hopefully when BBC3 dies Corden will die with it, sort of like that bit in ET with the creepy tent-men.
IT’S TOTALLY WEIRD
One programme actually commissioned by BBC3 was called ‘Sun, Sex and Suspicious Parents’. If you’re lucky enough not to have seen this absolute nightmare of a thing don’t worry, the plot is easily summarised thusly: INSANE STALKER PARENTS let their hormone-CRAZED offspring go on holiday to gonorrhoea hotspots such as SHAGGYLOOF and then just casually FOLLOW THEM ABOUT LIKE IT’S A NORMAL THING TO DO. EVEN IF THEY GO TO STRIP CLUBS AND STUFF.
THAT’S NOT NORMAL. THAT’S WEIRD. REALLY WEIRD.
IT LOVES DOCTOR WHO SHIT
The world has already had to endure FIFTY YEARS of this time lord claptrap, but BBC3 didn’t think that was enough. They thought we needed MORE. So they made a horrendous thing called Torchwood, which is like Doctor Who but the alien hunter is more camp and played by that monstrous creature they call John Barrowman. I watched it once. Never going to get that time back.
IT’S NOT HILARIOUS
BBC3 is often cited as some sort of talent-nurturing wonder channel. People think it’s this giant incubator full of laughter. An entirely fantastical belief given the fact that it has, in recent years, payed real money for complete codswallop like ‘Lee Nelson’s Well Good Show’, a series starring some git called Lee who struts about in a nylon tracksuit making jokes that are about as funny as cancer.
IT’S VERY VERY VERY SHALLOW LIKE A PUDDLE OR SMALL RAINDROP
When it’s not producing incredibly droll stuff like the above, BBC3 abandons all moral judgement and starts showing this thing called ‘Snog, Marry, Avoid’. These half hour morsels of absolute dross usually star a human that has intentionally turned itself the colour of a cheesy wotsit, before applying lipstick and actually leaving the house. Men are then invited to judge the cheesy wotsit, before a weird robot insults it for a while and then removes its make-up. After that the newly pale wotsit is re-judged by the strange men. Why? We don’t know why.
And that’s why it’s really fine that BBC3 is going. Absolutely fine and dandy. In fact I’d go so far as to say it’s an utter DELIGHT.