Apparently all our pound coins are fake, so we’ve got to get new ones. Lord George of Osbourne has cleverly devised some brand new unfakeable ones just for us. They’re going to have corners now. You can’t fake corners.
The Queen will of course feature on one side (God Save The Queen), but the other side is up for discussion. People have been asked to send in their suggestions, for Lord George’s careful consideration. So I’ve taken some time to pen a list of my 10 favourite nominees. George my dear, you are welcome.
The ideal Londoner. Champion of the world. Winner of best hairdo for seven years running. Our next Prime Minister. Boris MUST WIN THIS.
Prince William’s Dog
The animal kingdom has been somewhat overlooked in recent coinage. This needs to change. Ladies and gentleman I present… Lupo. The poshest (and most photogenic) dog there ever was.
A man so stupid that his rise to fame deserves official recognition. Really, it’s fantastic that a cotton wool brain wrapped in bright orange skin could achieve so much.
Crime solver extraordinaire, and wearer of the most illustrious coats. He knows who did it. Best keep him on side.
Lady Mary out of Downton
The perfect role model for one and all. Incredibly short arms. Pale face. Lovely dresses.
Second best hair in this line-up. Basically the new Elvis. It’s about time we face facts, and put his sweaty little head on a coin.
When asked who should win Sports Personality of the Year, Mo said… “Me”. Boom.
Marginally less famous than Mo Farah, yet clearly more dedicated to the cause. London Elektricity’s first name is London. He’s put some real effort in.
Bowie is very important now. The V&A know this, so they made him a whole exhibition that you had to buy tickets for but you couldn’t buy tickets because they were all sold out. The world loves Bowie. The world would love to spend Bowie money. Also his eyes are different colours. Bloody marvellous.
The Rib Man
Have you tried those ribs?