Hurrah! Today’s the day of the Grand National! The day when all the world comes together to watch forty pampered pets throw themselves over enormous fences, cunningly masquerading as bushes, in an effort to reach the finish line and win ONE MILLION POUNDS for their already incredibly wealthy owners. Let us rejoice as we attempt to predict the winners using only the hilarity of their names and obscure facts about their BMIs!
This year is the 175th edition of this most wonderful horsie contest, which means there’s even MORE reason to get involved by placing ludicrously unlikely bets on the horses with the most excellent names. To help you I have penned some incredibly well-researched and scientific predictions. You are WELCOME.
The Ones Which Will Win:
Number 36 Age 10 Weight 10-3
Up there for a long way when finishing 9th in this race the year before last. An utterly brilliant name. Grump’s favourite.
SECOND PLACE: Prince De Beauchene
Number 18 Age 11 Weight 10-10
Has been well fancied for the last two Grand Nationals but injury has intervened. A regal contender with a small crown made of hair.
THIRD PLACE: Teaforthree
Number 12 Age 10 Weight 10-12
Finished third in last year’s Grand National. A refined, Great British tea-drinking horse.
THE ONES WHICH WON’T WIN:
Number 19 Age 9 Weight 10-9
Winner of the Welsh National last season. Has improved his jumping since then. Like a dude.
Number 14 Age 8 Weight 10-11
Won five races this year. Why isn’t he called fourteen?
Number 2 Age 9 Weight 11-9
Previous Cheltenham Gold Cup winner and also twice a winner of the King George. Likes a long run. That’s lucky.
Number 1 Age 13 Weight 11-10
Despite now being a teenager, Tidal Bay is still performing at a very high level and is one of the major players in this race. Listens to a lot of angsty music though, which may affect the outcome.
Number 5 Age 8 Weight 11-5
Young chaser who could still be ahead of the handicapper. Although his name has frightening connotations of that film Wolf Creek. Have you see it? Bloody terrifying. This horse could well be a psycho.
Number 21 Age 10 Weight 10-8
Has been well supported and hails from a stable who know how to win this race. Hopefully they have let him know.
Pineau De Re
Number 29 Age 11 Weight 10-6
Showed his wellbeing when finishing third at the recent Cheltenham Festival. De Re what, though?
Number 4 Age 7 Weight 11-6
Caused a mini surprise when winning Hennessy Gold Cup. Has Grand National fence experience as well. What is a mini surprise? A tiny little heart attack for a borrower? Further explanation required.
Number 9 Age 10 Weight 10-13
Up there for a long way last year. Also a King, which helps.
Number 20 Age 9 Weight 10-8
This top cross country horse could be suited to a race like the Grand National. Should’ve been called Big Sur though, then he could’ve had a theme tune.
Number 33 Age 11 Weight 10-4
Eye-catching return to form at Cheltenham last time out. The whole package. Boom.
Chance Du Roy
Number 26 Age 10 Weight 10-6
Won over these fences in December when taking the Becher Chase. Who named him, Del Boy?
Number 7 Age 10 Weight 11-0
Fell in last year’s race. Do not back this horse. It is unstable.
Number 27 Age 9 Weight 10-6
Runner up to Mountainous in this year’s Welsh National. But Wales isn’t like Liverpool, so this is basically irrelevant.
Lion Na Bearnai
Number 17 Age 12 Weight 10-10
Previous Irish National winner. Not a horse. A LION.
The Rainbow Hunter
Number 24 Age 10 Weight 10-7
Progressive handicapper from a former Grand National winning stable. Interesting outsider. Hunts rainbows with a little golden bucket. Crushes leprechauns with his hooves. Might be a unicorn.
Number 37 Age 9 Weight 10-2
Could find these fences too much of a test. No one has faith in this horse. Don’t tell it.
Number 23 Age 9 Weight 10-7
Won the Welsh National earlier this year. His humps are shaped like mountains.
Quito De La Roque
Number 6 Age 10 Weight 11-1
Has won at the highest level and should appreciate this greater test of stamina. Alas, he is a quitter.
Number 25 Age 8 Weight 10-7
Consistent young chaser. Tragic name. Probably from Clapham.
Across The Bay
Number 13 Age 10 Weight 10-11
Went well for a long way in last year’s race, but how will he race the other horsies when he’s all the way across the bay?
Number 15 Age 9 Weight 10-10
Can be temperamental but very talented if he decides to play ball. Will likely come dressed in suit of armour, ridden by one of those historical re-enactment creeps.
Last Time D’Albain
Number 38 Age 10 Weight 10-2
Ran well over these fences in the Topham last year. What happened last time? He won’t say.
Number 11 Age 10 Weight 10-12
Same connections as last year’s winner. Won’t win though, he’s positively plastered.
Number 22 Age 8 Weight 10-8
Lightly raced gelding who can go well fresh. Is our father a HORSE?
Rose Of The Moon
Number 35 Age 9 Weight 10-3
Very interesting outsider. Looks to have been crying out for a return to a test of stamina. Can horses cry?
Number 32 Age 8 Weight 10-5
Definitely capable of winning a big race but needs to brush up his jumping. They could maybe get him a big horse-shaped trampoline or something.
Number 8 Age 9 Weight 11-0
Jumped these fences well when runner-up in last years Topham Chase. Walk on, walk on.
Number 16 Age 8 Weight 10-10
Hasn’t quite fulfilled his early promise but could improve now that he’s stepped up in distance. He is a bridge, not a horse.
Number 30 Age 10 Weight 10-5
Won very easily on latest start. It was a breeze. Yet his odds are terrible. Something’s not adding up here.
Number 3 Age 9 Weight 11-7
Biq question mark about his stamina for a race like this but has plenty of class. Grump once went to a party called a ‘Hunt Ball’. Passed out in a field. End of story.
One In A Milan
Number 39 Age 9 Weight 10-2
Has plenty of stamina but might need soft ground to show his best. A fashionable horse. Look out for his Gucci jacket. Sehr stylish.
Raz De Maree
Number 34 Age 9 Weight 10-3
Trainer has gone close in this race before. Has got razamatazzzzz.
Number 40 Age 13 Weight 10-8
Has jumped these fences successfully five times; Grand National specialist. Nothing to do with Kill Bill. Don’t even mention it.
Number 10 Age 10 Weight 10-13
Inconsistent but retains plenty of ability and often runs well when unexpected. His father, Balthazar King, is surprisingly similar in age to him… Horses these days.
Number 28 Age 7 Weight 10-6
Has won twice this season but needs a big step up here. Sounds a bit Russian. Is he the baddie?
Number 31 Age 8 Weight 10-5
Will love the ground. Will love twirling and swirling and whirling ALL OVER IT, whilst not winning.