Why No One Should Ever Go To Walkabout

A sort of village hall come student union, Walkabout is the undisputed king of shit nights out. Like a weeping sore on the banks of the Thames, this miserable chamber of inebriation is immediately recognisable by its garish yellow and green logo, which has the audacity to suggest Australia has actually endorsed it. 


photo 1_Fotor


I was unlucky enough to find myself within its moist walls on a recent Friday evening, a hellish ordeal I am still struggling to come to terms with. Heed my warning, people of the internet. This is no place for you.



So, What’s It Like?

Walkabout has achieved the incredible feat of combining all the very worst things about every night out you’ve ever been on, consolidating them into one absolutely tragic evening guaranteed to wipe the smile off the faces of even the most euphoric of visitors.


They’ve got music so crap you’ll want to tear your own earlobes right off your head, they’ve got a DJ so irritating you’ll find yourself spoiling for a fight within minutes of ordering your first drink, and to top it all off they’ve got fucking INFLATABLES. Just sat right in the middle of the bar like it’s completely normal. And people are USING THEM. Doing pretend fights with big inflatable bollards!!! It’s enough to make you sick.


photo 5_Fotor


Don’t Miss

The famous fish bowl. Yes, this is indeed one of those bars that thinks serving drinks up in a massive great BOWL will redeem their atrocities in some small way.


Filled with a heady combination of the tears of a thousand Aussies, the lost hopes of the bar staff and last night’s putrid vomit, the Walkabout Fish Bowl is a legendary drink. If you manage to finish one you start to see the place in a whole new light, they say. Well that’s just before all your organs start trying to escape from your body, leaving you with no choice but to hug the sticky floorboards and weep.


photo 4



Will I Find Love?

Yes, I expect so. Cheap drinks are oft as successful as Cupid himself when it comes to the age old art of matchmaking. A gentleman did elbow me in the head at the bar, presumably in a misguided attempt to steal my heart away. Perhaps you too will be as lucky as I…


photo 1-1_Fotor


Who Goes? 

A melancholy assortment of the great unwashed, which can be summarised in the following handy bullet points:


  • Students. Probably shouldn’t judge them, they know not what they do. Also cheap drinks so… it’s understandable(ish).
  • The male after work crowd. Definitely judge these ones. They should know better.
  • People having birthdays. Are they really enjoying their birthdays at Walkabout? REALLY?
  • LADS. You know the sort. They take pictures of women eating food on the tube and elbow strangers in the head.
  • Alcoholics.



Should I Go?

No obviously you should not. In fact if you do, I’m afraid the world would start to think less of you. Yes, the entire world.


Square Meal


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