Category Archives: TV

TV: I Wanna Marry Harry

Every so often I come across a TV programme so utterly distressing it envelops me in a little fuzzy cloud of gloom.


The last time this happened it was the result of a troop of fake-tanned nitwits marching about proclaiming themselves to be representatives of Essex. A county which, I’ll have you know, is not exclusively inhabited by people so startlingly stupid they deserved to be chucked head first into a well.


But it’s happened again. And this time I fear the situation may be even worse…


You see, it was brought to my attention last week that a programme exists entitled “I Wanna Marry Harry”.




The title itself does not cause much of a problem, after all Harry may be a nice chap, deserving of such affections. But he isn’t. Harry is a pretend Prince Harry. He is a LIAR and a CHEAT.


And the girls? They want to marry Prince Harry. They want to marry him so badly that they are willing to cast aside any doubt they may have had that Prince Harry would star in a low-budget US reality TV show in order to secure himself a worthy wife.


So off they trot, this group of American ladies, to stay in a giant plastic mansion made of lies as they attempt to win over pseudo-Harry and hop on the next plane to England to take their rightful place on the Buckingham Palace balcony.




In order to convince this troop of nitwits of his Royal status, the pretend-Harry invited them to partake in a sort of strange dance-off, in which he pranced around a dance floor, high on deceit and the soon-to-be shattered dreams of his wannabe Princesses. Only Royal people can dance, you see.


Confirming this fact, the wannabe Princesses flailed around the dance floor overcome by nervousness or perhaps suffering seizures of some kind or another. They tripped on his Royal toes and made buffoons of themselves. Then they got sad at their lack of self-worth and attempted to impress him with some toothy grinning. The sheer desperation was enough to move me to tears.




And do you know the worst bit? I watched this for an HOUR. There’s an entire SERIES of this claptrap. You can waste whole days of your LIFE watching it. Days upon DAYS of the innermost thoughts of people so thick it’s a wonder that they’ve managed to get out of bed and dress themselves without supervision.


I can’t wait for the next episode.

Educating London Is Coming!

Forget Educating Yorkshire. And definitely forget Educating Essex. There’s a new school in town, and this time it’s Frederick Bremer School, Walthamstow. The school will be featured in the next series of the hit documentary, of course titled ‘Educating London’.


Frederick Bremer School has below average GCSE results but has made “considerable improvements” under its new headteacher, Jenny Smith. English is not the first language for more than half its students.

Channel 4’s head of documentaries Nick Mirsky said…

”Educating is an enormously important part of our documentary output at Channel 4. Like 24 hours in A&E and One Born Every Minute, it shines a light on the tireless work which is carried out, unseen, day in, day out, by our public services with warmth and humour. Frederick Bremer is a school which – although in a very different part of the country – shares with Thornhill Community Academy and Passmores [Academy, in Harlow, Essex] a population of passionate and committed teachers and charismatic students.”

Whether any students will deem it necessary to shave off their eyebrows and draw them back on remains to be seen.

Let’s watch that bit again, shall we? (It’s right at the end of this trailer.)

5 Reasons Why The Axing of BBC3 Is Totally Fine

The Beeb recently shocked and astounded the entire world by announcing that it’s pulling the plug on extra channel BBC3, and slashing its budget IN HALF. It’s going to be online only from next year. Only people with access to some Harry Potter shit called the INTERNET will have any hope of laying their eyes on it again. The horror!

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5 Lessons Supersize vs Superskinny Taught Us

Despite what its name might suggest, Supersize vs Superskinny is sadly not a televised fight to the death featuring one fat and one thin gladiator. It is, in fact, an even odder sort of programme in which two people with astoundingly terrible diets swap terrible diets, and then spend some time crying in an immaculate white house.

There are lessons to be learned from it, however. Lessons which must be learned.

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Game of Thrones Returns: Meet The Characters

If you’ve been living under a brick for the past few years you might not have heard of Game of Thrones, but it’s set to make its comeback on Sunday 6th April, so you’ve got a good few months to get up to speed before that happens.

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5 Lessons The 7.39 Taught Us

We all love a good BBC drama. You know the ones, where the mother is always Olivia Colman and the kind-hearted policeman absolutely has to be played by that curly-headed chap whose furrowed brow is explained sooner or later when his make-believe wife cruelly betrays him, usually with his best friend but sometimes with a total stranger. The bitch.

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5 Reasons Why Twitter Hated Last Night’s Sherlock

Sherlock’s parade was thoroughly rained on last night by some rather unladylike behaviour in a certain Orwellian house of horrors, but a handful of people were watching Bilbo Baggins and his Cumberbatch-shaped sidekick as they flitted around London solving crimes in glorious coats in last night’s episode ‘The Sign of Threes’.

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Meet the Sofa-Stars of Gogglebox

Gogglebox, a programme with the incredibly dull premise of ‘watching other people watch TV’ burst onto our screens at the end of 2013 and proved, against all odds, to be the finest programme ever shown. You see, there’s something bizarrely interesting about watching people who are not you watching something which you watched only days earlier. It’s like INCEPTION. 

It’s the watchers, though, that make Gogglebox. So let’s meet them.

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Splash! has returned to our screens once more, despite not a single person even half-heartedly hoping for a second season. And as I’m currently sitting at home trying desperately not to drown in the torrents of snot that are pouring forth from my nose I’ve been forced to sit through an entire episode. INCLUDING adverts. (I have a cold, I’m not just a particularly snotty Splash! fan). 

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