Chinese | LONDON GRUMP

Firecracker is one of those dodgy Chinese restaurants that, for no reason at all, doubles up as a horrifying karaoke chamber of doom.

Usually when a Chinese restaurant allows people to maraud tunelessly through 90s classics at the end of a meal it means only one thing: The food is shit. Bizarrely though at Firecracker the food is not, at all. In fact I’d go so far as to say it’s one of the better Chinese restaurants in London… so why the singing? Why? WHY?

Thankfully the singing does not begin until 10pm. I imagine it is hoped that by this time all diners will be suitably inebriated, and may even enjoy the musak. Or they’re generously giving you time to escape with your life. Dine early though, and you shan’t be subject to it. You will instead enjoy a feast of Chinese wonder, as we did this weekend.

We opted for the Set Menu (C) – £22.50 per person. This includes three starters, six main dishes and a dessert. We also added a few dim sum dishes (seafood parcels & snow crab open parcels) and a bit of duck and crispy pork belly for luck.

We began with cocktails. If you’re going to order cocktails here I suggest you order well in advance. They take 20-30 minutes to arrive. Every time. The poor barman must’ve been swamped. (He wasn’t, we could see him). When they do arrive, they are delicious, but you probably won’t want them by then.

Our starters included: Inside out chicken wings, which were amazing and vanished in seconds. Jasmine smoked ribs: not bad, plenty of meat, not too chewy. And finally… steamed vegetable dumplings. These tasted bizarrely of cigarettes. Not good.

Next came the dim sum dishes. The seafood parcels were particularly tasty and appeared to be made of a seafood paste in adorable little moneybags. All food is better in miniature.

Mains proved a veritable feast, not bad at all for a set menu. The menu included chicken with black pepper sauce, sea food hot pot and sweet and sour pork as well as French beans, noodles and egg fried rice. To this we added crispy belly pork and duck breast.

The mains were nothing though in comparison to the dessert. I would never ordinarily order dessert at a Chinese restaurant, especially when I’d just devoured almost an entire farmyard, but the set menu included a crispy chocolate fondant each, and it’d be rude to turn it down.

This was much like a spring roll but instead of the pastry encasing some rather bland vegetables this pastry held within it an oozing molten chocolate centre. It tasted of heaven and wonder and beauty. We ate it all. I want to eat it again. And again. And so on… But then the wailing began and we had to shuffle off.

Gluten Free? The menu is about 40 pages long, so there are plenty of suitable dishes to choose from.

The Verdict: Fab Chinese food in a nice little underground restaurant. Not a bad atmosphere… but make sure you’re gone by 10pm!

8/10

£££

Firecracker
44 Horseferry Road
Westminster
London
SW1P 2AF

New Loon Fung is an establishment which grudgingly serves quite good chinese food in (you guessed it) Chinatown.

The service is horrendous, the place is a mess and they screen chinese X Factor non-stop, but if you hang around long enough to taste the dim sum here you won’t be disappointed.

Head up the stairs and you’ll be greeted (actually you probably won’t) and shown to a table (if you’re lucky).

Here you will find a piece of paper and reams of menus. You will then guess randomly at what you’d like to eat and someone will scribble on your piece of paper and leave you to your own devices.

Drinks are mind numbingly overpriced so don’t come here if you’re thirsty or an alcoholic. They charge £4 for beer which comes in a can! Can you believe this??? Well you probably can’t which is why I obtained photographic proof. REGARD:

Once the food is thrown in the general direction of your table you’ll be a little more cheerful though. The dim sum is great and very cheap, most dishes are £2-£3, so we tried a few at random; duck rolls, Monk’s dumplings (just to see what a Monk dumpling is – it’s vegetables if you’re wondering), BBQ pork buns and pork rolls.

IMG-20120219-00580 — Crispy Aromatic Duck rolls

The BBQ pork buns are fabulously wonderful and great. I could eat them always. They look like little clouds and taste like pieces of sweet cloudy goodness with insides made of meat. Most excellent.

The Verdict: I want to hate it but god those cloudy things are good. Despite the best efforts of the staff to ensure you don’t, you may just enjoy your visit. I did, so there.

P.S. Don’t ever come here on a date, unless you are hoping to finish your relationship as quickly as possible (in an oriental setting).

P.P.S. The toilets are grim.

6/10

New Loon Fung
42 Gerrard St
Soho
W1D 5QG