Five Reasons Never to go to Elephant and Castle

There are some places in London you should never, ever go to. And one which lies about having elephants and/or castles should definitely be high up on that list.

This nightmarish mishmash of roundabouts, subways and gloom has been plonked right in the middle of London but is studiously avoided by most, who are wisely untrusting of its intentions.

 

Here are five reasons never to go to Elephant and Castle:

 

 

1. The Ungodly Smell

Take a short tour around this marvellous web of roundabouts and you may notice a certain whiff. “What is it?” You will wonder to yourself as you gallantly attempt to negotiate a tangled web of pedestrian crossings which can only have been designed as some sort of macabre death game. It is the smell of hopelessness. Of sighs. Of depravity. And also of fried chicken.

 

 

2. The Strata Tower

One bedroom flats in this monstrous thing go for 800k, which is pretty good going for a giant tower voted Britain’s ugliest new building. It’s won a Carbuncle Cup and everything. People nominated it for its ‘plain visual grotesqueness’ and ‘Philishave stylings’. One person even moved out of the area because the sight of it made him FEEL ILL.

 

 

3. The Frighteners

Regeneration is big news in Elephant and Castle at the moment. Planners and developers are enthusiastically trying to wipe out the area’s current inhabitants to make way for a better breed of cappuccino-drinking suits. But they haven’t quite succeeded, as is evident from the continued presence of a troop of people we shall call ‘the frighteners’. These terrible beings lurk in alleyways, gulping on cans of lukewarm white lightning, staring. One chased me the other day. It was 8:30am.

 

 

4. The Subway

Have you ever tried to negotiate a spaghetti junction many miles beneath the ground in near pitch-darkness with only a foul smell and a vague, often completely wrong sign to guide your way?

 

If not you must head to Elephant, and fast. This subway is like a magical puzzle game made of fun. There are around 85 tunnels, they all look completely identical and half of them aren’t even joined on to the other ones so sometimes its entirely IMPOSSIBLE to find your way out of there alive.

 

Bring flares.

 

 

5. The Shopping Centre

 

 

A shopping precinct so ugly that many cannot bear to look upon it, this hot-pink monstrosity has repeatedly won awards for its sheer shitness. Within it are a handful of shops you’d never want to go into, and also a Tesco where the shelves are completely bare, which is just as well because the shop assistants are too distraught to serve anyone anyway.

 

Its neighbours are roundabouts. It’s been known to reduce grown men to tears. At night the whole area is filled with the spine-tingling sounds of its shrieks. But don’t worry, someone bought it last year for £80m and they’re going to PULL IT DOWN AND BURN IT HOORAY!!!

10 of the Best Pub Blackboards… Ever

Pubs are practically perfect in every way, but their blackboards often give landlords a chance to really excel themselves. Here are ten of the finest pub blackboards, spotted out and about in the capital. Drink?

The Horses Which Will Win The Grand National

Hurrah! Today’s the day of the Grand National! The day when all the world comes together to watch forty pampered pets throw themselves over enormous fences, cunningly masquerading as bushes, in an effort to reach the finish line and win ONE MILLION POUNDS for their already incredibly wealthy owners. Let us rejoice as we attempt to predict the winners using only the hilarity of their names and obscure facts about their BMIs!

5 of The Finest April Fool’s Jokes

It’s the first of April, a day of hilarity and wonder. A day when we find out which of our friends are the most gullible by playing cruel and unnecessary pranks on them and then laughing loudly into their faces. Maybe thats just me. Anyway the web’s got in on the act this year, conjuring up all manner of rubbish to delight and amaze us. Here are some of the best ones:

 

Hackney’s Borderless Cafe

This morning saw the grand opening of Hackney’s first borderless cafe. Visiting it is simple. Just download the cafe’s app, pay for a slot at your desired bench, and bring your own coffee. Entirely believable, given that Hackney is the birthplace of all the world’s nonsense. They’ve got cat cafes there, for gods sake. I’m quite sure the vast majority of Dalston-dwellers have already downloaded said app and are currently scratching their perfectly coiffeured heads in confusion. Poor darlings.

 

Vegemite: The Drink

A surprisingly popular announcement from the brand behind the world’s worst spread. Vegemite declared the arrival of their NEW Vegemite iDRINK 2.1 via Facebook. Perfect for busy people who love the taste of horror in the morning. Shudder.

 

Brixton’s Rebrand 

Brixton Buzz announced that the area is to be renamed ‘East Clapham,’ in keeping with its newfound trendiness. “With the shifting demographics and changing aspirations of the people now living in Brixton, it’s only right that the area should have a more appropriate name,” commented Tory councillor Chuck Munna. The best bit? The comments. Adrianne Rutherford’s passion is to be admired, not mocked.

 

CERN’s New Look

From today, all of CERN’s official communication channels are switching to exclusive use of the font Comic Sans. The move comes after weeks of deliberation by CERN management and top web designers about how best to update the image of the laboratory for this, its 60th anniversary year. Well it does make the letters look nice and squishy.

 

Instawindow by Instagram

I don’t know about you but I’m sick and tired of looking at real life shit. I want filters. I want everything to look like it’s from the 1970s. And I want fuzzy bits around the edges. And I want to crank up that contrast! Thank you Instagram for making it happen. About time too.

 

And the worst?

Daybreak, for announcing the arrival of a square egg whilst chuckling incoherently and doing that gross middle aged flirty thing Lorraine and Aled do. Puts me off my cereal, that. Shut up about your square eggs and get off my tely.

Your April Fool’s Warning

Why You Must Never Take The Last Tube Home

Sometimes, when one is off indulging in a noxious beverage at some far-flung public house one loses all track of time. One becomes utterly consumed by the nonsense speak flowing freely from one’s mouth-hole, so entirely captivated by the bizarre facts pouring forth from the mouth-holes of our companions. And then it happens. The moment of reckoning.

10 Londoners Who Deserve To Be On The New Pound Coin

Apparently all our pound coins are fake, so we’ve got to get new ones. Lord George of Osbourne has cleverly devised some brand new unfakeable ones just for us. They’re going to have corners now. You can’t fake corners.

 

 

The Queen will of course feature on one side (God Save The Queen), but the other side is up for discussion. People have been asked to send in their suggestions, for Lord George’s careful consideration. So I’ve taken some time to pen a list of my 10 favourite nominees. George my dear, you are welcome.

 

Boris 

The ideal Londoner. Champion of the world. Winner of best hairdo for seven years running. Our next Prime Minister. Boris MUST WIN THIS.

 

Prince William’s Dog 

The animal kingdom has been somewhat overlooked in recent coinage. This needs to change. Ladies and gentleman I present… Lupo. The poshest (and most photogenic) dog there ever was.

 

Joey Essex

A man so stupid that his rise to fame deserves official recognition. Really, it’s fantastic that a cotton wool brain wrapped in bright orange skin could achieve so much.

 

Benedict Cumberbatch

Crime solver extraordinaire, and wearer of the most illustrious coats. He knows who did it. Best keep him on side.

 

Lady Mary out of Downton 

The perfect role model for one and all. Incredibly short arms. Pale face. Lovely dresses.

 

Harry Styles

Second best hair in this line-up. Basically the new Elvis. It’s about time we face facts, and put his sweaty little head on a coin.

 

Mo Farah

When asked who should win Sports Personality of the Year, Mo said… “Me”. Boom.

 

London Elektricity 

Marginally less famous than Mo Farah, yet clearly more dedicated to the cause. London Elektricity’s first name is London. He’s put some real effort in.

 

David Bowie

Bowie is very important now. The V&A know this, so they made him a whole exhibition that you had to buy tickets for but you couldn’t buy tickets because they were all sold out. The world loves Bowie. The world would love to spend Bowie money. Also his eyes are different colours. Bloody marvellous.

 

The Rib Man 

Have you tried those ribs?

 

 

Who do you want on the coinage? Tell me, I promise to let my BFF Mr George know.

5 Reasons Why The Axing of BBC3 Is Totally Fine

The Beeb recently shocked and astounded the entire world by announcing that it’s pulling the plug on extra channel BBC3, and slashing its budget IN HALF. It’s going to be online only from next year. Only people with access to some Harry Potter shit called the INTERNET will have any hope of laying their eyes on it again. The horror!

15 Things You Need to Know About The London Underground

The London Underground has long been considered the eighth wonder of the world. There is something truly beautiful about being fired through a dingy subterranean tunnel in a creaky grime-encrusted tube made of tin, is there not?

 

Five Reasons Why Pancake Day is The Best Thing EVER

It’s pancake day today, so because of something to do with shroves and Easter bunnies tonight’s dinner will be replaced by a special hysterical breakfast of fried-food, gallons of nutella and a smattering of artificial lemon juice. It’s the best day ever, is it not? It is. Here are five reasons why. Defy me at your peril.

1. TOPPINGS. So many toppings. Peanut butter and CHOCOLATE and marshmallows and SPRINKLES and BACON. Ok maybe not bacon. Bacon’s a bit weird.
2. Pancake flipping. The national sport that never was. Try a flip later, and watch as you combust with excitement when the pancake lands, half mangled, onto the side of your frying pan. You’ll never see such jubilation again, I promise you that.
3. LENT. Pancake day is officially the start of lent, which is when we all have to give up chocolate because JESUS WANTS US TO. A perfect chance to rebel against society. Jesus doesn’t really care whether you eat chocolate or not anyway, does he?
4. CALORIES. They do not EXIST on pancake day. Watch as the masses hurl KILOS of sugar in the vague direction of their gobs. LOOK at them as they SMOTHER themselves in gloopy golden syrup. And REJOICE! There’ll be no calories here today.
5. DINNER IS BREAKFAST. Why isn’t dinner always breakfast, when it causes such joy?  Could there ever be a time when dinner was breakfast? Is it possible? It might be.

Pancakes. Good.