Hurrah! Today’s the day of the Grand National! The day when all the world comes together to watch forty pampered pets throw themselves over enormous fences, cunningly masquerading as bushes, in an effort to reach the finish line and win ONE MILLION POUNDS for their already incredibly wealthy owners. Let us rejoice as we attempt to predict the winners using only the hilarity of their names and obscure facts about their BMIs!
It’s the first of April, a day of hilarity and wonder. A day when we find out which of our friends are the most gullible by playing cruel and unnecessary pranks on them and then laughing loudly into their faces. Maybe thats just me. Anyway the web’s got in on the act this year, conjuring up all manner of rubbish to delight and amaze us. Here are some of the best ones:
This morning saw the grand opening of Hackney’s first borderless cafe. Visiting it is simple. Just download the cafe’s app, pay for a slot at your desired bench, and bring your own coffee. Entirely believable, given that Hackney is the birthplace of all the world’s nonsense. They’ve got cat cafes there, for gods sake. I’m quite sure the vast majority of Dalston-dwellers have already downloaded said app and are currently scratching their perfectly coiffeured heads in confusion. Poor darlings.
A surprisingly popular announcement from the brand behind the world’s worst spread. Vegemite declared the arrival of their NEW Vegemite iDRINK 2.1 via Facebook. Perfect for busy people who love the taste of horror in the morning. Shudder.
Brixton Buzz announced that the area is to be renamed ‘East Clapham,’ in keeping with its newfound trendiness. “With the shifting demographics and changing aspirations of the people now living in Brixton, it’s only right that the area should have a more appropriate name,” commented Tory councillor Chuck Munna. The best bit? The comments. Adrianne Rutherford’s passion is to be admired, not mocked.
From today, all of CERN’s official communication channels are switching to exclusive use of the font Comic Sans. The move comes after weeks of deliberation by CERN management and top web designers about how best to update the image of the laboratory for this, its 60th anniversary year. Well it does make the letters look nice and squishy.
I don’t know about you but I’m sick and tired of looking at real life shit. I want filters. I want everything to look like it’s from the 1970s. And I want fuzzy bits around the edges. And I want to crank up that contrast! Thank you Instagram for making it happen. About time too.
And the worst?
Daybreak, for announcing the arrival of a square egg whilst chuckling incoherently and doing that gross middle aged flirty thing Lorraine and Aled do. Puts me off my cereal, that. Shut up about your square eggs and get off my tely.
Apparently all our pound coins are fake, so we’ve got to get new ones. Lord George of Osbourne has cleverly devised some brand new unfakeable ones just for us. They’re going to have corners now. You can’t fake corners.
The Queen will of course feature on one side (God Save The Queen), but the other side is up for discussion. People have been asked to send in their suggestions, for Lord George’s careful consideration. So I’ve taken some time to pen a list of my 10 favourite nominees. George my dear, you are welcome.
The ideal Londoner. Champion of the world. Winner of best hairdo for seven years running. Our next Prime Minister. Boris MUST WIN THIS.
Prince William’s Dog
The animal kingdom has been somewhat overlooked in recent coinage. This needs to change. Ladies and gentleman I present… Lupo. The poshest (and most photogenic) dog there ever was.
A man so stupid that his rise to fame deserves official recognition. Really, it’s fantastic that a cotton wool brain wrapped in bright orange skin could achieve so much.
Crime solver extraordinaire, and wearer of the most illustrious coats. He knows who did it. Best keep him on side.
Lady Mary out of Downton
The perfect role model for one and all. Incredibly short arms. Pale face. Lovely dresses.
Second best hair in this line-up. Basically the new Elvis. It’s about time we face facts, and put his sweaty little head on a coin.
When asked who should win Sports Personality of the Year, Mo said… “Me”. Boom.
Marginally less famous than Mo Farah, yet clearly more dedicated to the cause. London Elektricity’s first name is London. He’s put some real effort in.
Bowie is very important now. The V&A know this, so they made him a whole exhibition that you had to buy tickets for but you couldn’t buy tickets because they were all sold out. The world loves Bowie. The world would love to spend Bowie money. Also his eyes are different colours. Bloody marvellous.
The Rib Man
Have you tried those ribs?
Who do you want on the coinage? Tell me, I promise to let my BFF Mr George know.
The London Underground has long been considered the eighth wonder of the world. There is something truly beautiful about being fired through a dingy subterranean tunnel in a creaky grime-encrusted tube made of tin, is there not?
It’s pancake day today, so because of something to do with shroves and Easter bunnies tonight’s dinner will be replaced by a special hysterical breakfast of fried-food, gallons of nutella and a smattering of artificial lemon juice. It’s the best day ever, is it not? It is. Here are 5 reasons why. Defy me at your peril.
- TOPPINGS. So many toppings. Peanut butter and CHOCOLATE and marshmallows and SPRINKLES and BACON. Ok maybe not bacon. Bacon’s a bit weird.
- Pancake flipping. The national sport that never was. Try a flip later, and watch as you combust with excitement when the pancake lands, half mangled, onto the side of your frying pan. You’ll never see such jubilation again, I promise you that.
- LENT. Pancake day is officially the start of lent, which is when we all have to give up chocolate because JESUS WANTS US TO. A perfect chance to rebel against society. Jesus doesn’t give a toss whether you eat chocolate or not anyway. Move on with your life.
- CALORIES. They do not EXIST on pancake day. Watch as the masses hurl KILOS of sugar in the vague direction of their gobs. LOOK at them as they SMOTHER themselves in gloopy golden syrup. And REJOICE! There’ll be no calories here today.
- DINNER IS BREAKFAST. Why isn’t dinner always breakfast, when it causes such JOY? Could there ever be a time when dinner was breakfast? Is it possible? It might be.